I probably went too far….. My response to a FetLife thread extolling the virtues of polygamy in a group for black BDSM peops:

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For reference, my background: I am Zulu. Bantu and proud of it. Born and raised in Swaziland because my grandmother left SA during apartheid. Swaziland is a country where polygamy thrives, which is steeped in culture, which is one of the few (if not the only) remaining true monarchy in this world (the king has absolute power). My experience is not based on text books, or interviews or “visiting”. I lived with this culture. You want to know what I think about it? —
— BULLSHIT!!!!!
I also apologize for my tone. I am stressed out and moody for other unrelated reasons, so I know I am being combative as opposed to clearly explaining where and how I developed my views. But fuck it…
I am so fucking sick of academic western women (and this includes BLACK academic Western women) who try to find some sliver of silver lining in the bullshit that is an oppressive culture. Once you have lived in a country where this is the status quo. And by live, I mean 20, 30, 40 years LIVING as a member of that society then you can try and extol its virtues. And even then, if you do, I will tell you that you are so caught up in trying to defend your black is beautiful mentality that you are swallowing your own poison.

For the record I am poly and I think there are many virtues when instituted within a completely free society (and yes, this include male-centric households, I have no problems with that concept when entered into freely). These societies we are talking about are far from free (and this goes for both our boy children and girl children). Also, regarding this talk about critiquing African culture from a Western perspective; What we fail to realize is that this analysis of the virtues of polygamy as it is in most African societies is itself just as biased in Western dogma as those who would demonize it. The polygamy 95% of African women are living looks nothing like the evolved spiritual lifestyle the video implies. I am not saying the 5% does not exist, but it is extremely rare.

So maybe girlfriend found a handful of educate black women in a poly household with an enlightened black man. This is NOT the standard experience of an African woman in a polygamist society. If you think it is, you are bullshitting yourself. And yes, you will find plenty African women that will defend it, just as there are plenty women of all cultures now and in history that will defend the goodness of their cultures. The irony being in most cases that women are the ones that enforce the most oppressive practices. And yes, I can defend the African woman’s intellect while still saying that cultural based polygamy is bullshit.

This is not some rustic version of the poly lifestyle we practice as free individuals. We are wasting time trying to promote these traditional practices. We are black. We are African. That is fucking good enough for me. I do not need some bullshit culture just because I want to hold onto some remnant of my “African-ness” that I feel the White man has stolen from me. Lets focus on education, on agriculture, getting back to indigenous drought resistant crops, building technology based on practical indigenous knowledge. That is a fine use of our heritage. But THIS!!!???? God! It makes me fucking sick!!

Teaching kids the “values” that homosexuality is wrong!!!???

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Okay, I confess I have had too much caffeine but still… As most of you know I am on Fetlife (a social network for the freaky and kinky to get together and build community without having to be inundated with personals ads). So the other day a woman makes this post in the Kinky Parents Group:

I am not sure how exactly to ask this, so I hope I do not offend anyone! I am in a public place with my 8 yr old son. I am straight, so my son has only seen me kissing other men. I…for not only personal but also religious reasons….do not agree with homosexuality. I have taught my children those values also. I have taught them we do not judge others. I just saw 2 gals kissing not once but twice..in plain sight of my son. How should I handle this? Should i speak up on behalf of my values and as my sons mom? How should I explain to my child what just happened? Yes, I do shelter my young children, but as a mom I feel that is not only MY right but my job.

Okay, first of all WTF!!!??? Second of all WTF!!!??? Not only is this some prejudice bullshit but you are writing for advice in a forum where kinky, bi, gay, trans, etc are supposed to all feel accepted. And then everyone is responding to her post as if it is somehow okay for her to be teaching her kids that homosexuality is wrong. Again WTF!!!???

Anyway, sharing my response here (which could have been more eloquent but I am pissed and hopped up on caffeine):

I will never understand how religion gets such a sanctified role in our society that anyone and everyone can use it as a legitimate justification for bigotry. Everyone here is trying to be polite about this issue and I really don’t get it. What if someone said that their values are that black people are inferior and they want to instill these values in their children? Many of the KKK are good God fearing Christians, does that mean we should tolerate or encourage them? Are any of you seriously going to say its “okay” that they believe this and that they are teaching their kids this? This post is not as extreme but since when is it bad to be extremely prejudiced and hateful and okay to be just a little bit intolerant? As a free society we cannot physically force them to be tolerant but those of us who are truly proponents of equality and progress cannot ever say its “okay”. Or act like its “okay”. Or answer a question on child rearing in the context of such prejudice without addressing the prejudice itself.

Seriously, there is NEVER any justification to accept someone saying that they believe being gay is wrong. It is prejudice, plain and simple. No matter how you try to sugar coat it with religious freedom and personal rights. You want your kids to hold the “value” that a certain group of people are automatically immoral because of their sexual orientation. Let me be their first one to say: Yes, I am offended. Yes, I have absolutely every right to be offended. And no, I have no advice for you on how to explain anything to your children while maintaining your values because the “values” you are instilling run counter to a sane and civilized society rooted in equality.

I believe in acceptance BUT that does not mean I believe in acceptance of prejudice. That is just counter-intuitive. We certainly cannot force people to be tolerant but as a society we sure as hell should not tolerate it or condone it and say its okay because it is someone’s personal belief. Prejudice and bigotry are wrong whether on a minor scale or a major scale, whether extreme or supposedly benign. It is not okay to teach your children that black people are inferior, it is not okay to teach your children that women do not deserve equal rights, it is not okay to teach your children that certain sexual orientations are immoral.

And as for the analogies to kink and various tastes. It is one thing to say, oh I don’t indulge in ABC kink because its just not for me, vs. saying ABS kink is wrong and immoral. By the same token, it is okay to say I am straight and have absolutely no attraction to the same gender but it is NOT okay to say that those who do are immoral.

Please note, I am not saying the OP has no right to post or say what she thinks. But we cannot in good conscience tolerate it or accept it if we believe in equality and true freedom.

We as a society are allowing ourselves to get into the circular self defeating logic that tolerance means the tolerance of those who are intolerant.

Further rants that came later in the thread:
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Quite honestly God and religion are to blame. They are man-made excuses for non-logic and irrationality. Trying to separate the two and maintain some kind of respect for religious faith is what leads us down this slippery slope of respecting someone’s bigoted “values”.

All religions no matter how benignly manifested are rooted in fallacy and intolerance. Sure some people try to focus on the “loving” aspects but at the end of the day the peace lovers and the hate mongers are all preaching from the same book. We need to acknowledge that book as fallacy and stop promoting this irrational reverence and respect for religion.
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Saying that Religion is bogus is not discounting personal responsibility. It is acknowledging the fact that a system of irrational beliefs are going to create a society of irrational individuals. Just because some people have found a way to be good and kind Christians or Catholics or Moslems does not change that fact. Religion is inherently flawed and will always and has always produced hate and genocide and war in far greater quantities than it has created peace loving folks BECAUSE of that inherent irrationality and disregard for logical thinking.
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Believing in God = Believing in the Tooth Fairy
Staying awake at night to watch and see exactly when and how that money came to be under your pillow = science/logic

Epiphany

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I am cleaning and sorting the documents on my computer and found this old journal entry. I am not sure exactly when I wrote it but it was while I was still working for my republican electrical distributors, so maybe around 2005. I may have put it on LJ back in the day but I can’t recall:

“That fucking bimbo couldn’t wait another six years, she had to leave right away! I’m sorry but if you get married and especially have kids you’ve made a commitment, you can’t just leave whenever you want.”
I was not the object of this comment but since it was my boss saying this and he is one of the few people in the office who know I’ve left my husband, the comment got my mind prickled. I drifted back on a long worn track of thought that started when I realized I was actually going to leave my husband: why? why did I leave? I knew how I felt and that should be enough but I have always secretly suspected that I suffer from Madam Bovary Syndrome and I am running around throwing open all the windows of my life gasping “m’etouffe, m’etouffe” only to be killed by the frigid air of the world’s winter.

There were a lot of reasons for leaving. I fell out of love. I changed, or more accurately I realized that the changes I agreed to I couldn’t live with so I changed back to who I was. What I knew for sure was that I wasn’t happy but that didn’t seem enough at the time. I wanted to be able to melt down all my desires and wants and needs to one single solid succinct ‘this is why I need to leave’. What it came down to was that I couldn’t strive to be who I wanted to be, physically, emotionally or spiritually while I was with him. Hardly sounds profound does it? That was exactly how I felt. I wanted a thundering epiphany that would come crashing into my life, flashing lightning and pouring torrents of freezing rain to wake me up to some amazing realization after which everything would make sense and have meaning.

As it turns out my epiphany came quietly in very plain clothing. It was my hair. Now before you start asking me how crazy can I be to leave my husband over a hairstyle I need to point out that this was not the ‘why’ but the birthing of my understanding of the ‘why’. It was my epiphany. I have tried basically everything when it comes to hair. I was natural, big, long, crazy hair, in braids and cornrows, then I tried extension braids, I straightened, I did the weave thing, I went back to natural, I did the afro, the blond afro, dreadlocks and blond dreadlocks. The only thing I hadn’t tried was really short.

When I formulated the thought definitively in my mind that I wanted to do that, cut my hair, I hit a wall. He wouldn’t like it, not in a little way. He would seriously disapprove and I was scared to even bring it up to ask for permission (yes, that is what I said: “ask for permission”) let alone just go ahead and do it. I was scared. I didn’t know it right away but that was my breakthrough, my turning point. That pivot where all matter and action come together collide and disperse as something other than what they were before but still echo of that original motion. It was one month before my first affair. Three months before I tried to leave for the first time. Six months before I gave up and said we would try again. One year before my five-day trip to Beth Israel’s psychiatric ward. Two years before I discovered slam poetry. Three years before I finally broke free.

My first art teacher told me that you couldn’t sit around waiting for inspiration to hit you over the head. You have to paint, always paint, keep working at the motion, and if you’re lucky only then will inspiration will come and you may create something magical. I think life changing epiphanies are the same way. You can’t sit complacently in your life waiting for it, searching other people’s souls and writing and art for it. You have to live, work at the motion of your own life and maybe if you’re lucky…

My Dilemma: Trying to Marry Objectivism and Metta (Loving Kindness)

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Because I am a silly girl and spend my time mulling over silly things…

Objectivism, holds that:
1. Reality exists as an objective absolute—facts are facts, independent of man’s feelings, wishes, hopes or fears.
2. Reason (the faculty which identifies and integrates the material provided by man’s senses) is man’s only means of perceiving reality, his only source of knowledge, his only guide to action, and his basic means of survival.
3. Man—every man—is an end in himself, not the means to the ends of others. He must exist for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others nor sacrificing others to himself. The pursuit of his own rational self-interest and of his own happiness is the highest moral purpose of his life.
4. The ideal political-economic system is laissez-faire capitalism. It is a system where men deal with one another, not as victims and executioners, nor as masters and slaves, but as traders, by free, voluntary exchange to mutual benefit. It is a system where no man may obtain any values from others by resorting to physical force, and no man may initiate the use of physical force against others. The government acts only as a policeman that protects man’s rights; it uses physical force only in retaliation and only against those who initiate its use, such as criminals or foreign invaders. In a system of full capitalism, there should be (but, historically, has not yet been) a complete separation of state and economics, in the same way and for the same reasons as the separation of state and church. (Ayn Rand)

Mettā signifies friendship and non-violence as well as “a strong wish for the happiness of others”, but also less obvious or direct qualities such as showing patience, receptivity, and appreciation. Though it refers to many seemingly disparate ideas, Mettā is in fact a very specific form of love – a caring for another independent of all self-interest – and thus is likened to one’s love for one’s child or parent. Understandably, this energy is often difficult to describe in words; however, in the practice of Mettā meditation, one recites specific words and phrases in order to evoke this “boundless warm-hearted feeling.” The strength of this feeling is not limited to or by family, religion, or social class. Indeed, Mettā is a tool that permits one’s generosity and kindness to be applied to all beings and, as a consequence, one finds true happiness in another person’s happiness, no matter who the individual is. (the all powerful Wikipedia)

The part where my struggle begins is with the idea of altruism inherent in most interpretations of Metta. Even in past years when I would deliberately try and find inroads to meditation and Buddhism that avoided metta (my choice practice to date has been mindfulness) I would still run into this wall when it came to altruism, or self-sacrifice. The part of me that subscribes to Objectivism cannot (or should I say refuses to) embrace altruism. I will not sacrifice myself for anyone or anything. Would I risk my life for my son and those I love or ideals I value? Yes. But that is not sacrifice. I am not giving up “something” for “nothing”. I am giving something I value (my life) to support/protect something I believe has equal or greater value to me (my son, those I love, my ideals).

However, I think the solution to my dilemma lies in the first of the six stages of metta meditation.

The six stages of mettā bhāvanā meditation which are most commonly found involve cultivating loving-kindness towards:
1. Yourself
2. A good friend
3. A ‘neutral’ person
4. A difficult person
5. All four
6. and then gradually the entire Universe
(the all powerful Wikipedia)

The first step in understanding and practicing Metta is cultivating loving kindness towards yourself which would appear to support the Objectivist philosophy of rational self-interest. Therefore the two are not mutually exclusive. I am sure this is like nails on a chalk board to purists in either realm but I think I like it.

I may have officially lost my shit and this ramble is completely unedited

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Life is truly fascinating. And I do not mean that in a corny way at all. I really believe that humanity and relationships both internal and external, real and imagined are like totally wow! (How’s that for articulate poetic expression?). The human mind and body is simply amazing. Brilliant. I can understand why people believe in God despite the fact that I do not. I guess you could say I believe in the miracle but not the miracle maker. And if something is truly miraculous does it have to have a maker? Doesn’t the very nature of a miracle allow it to just be spontaneously and not be created or made or owned?

I am considering abstinence as a path to exploring a more integrated existence with sensuality. And, yes, I think that shit sounds crazy too but it feels right somehow. And I do not mean being non-sexual but just not being focused on fucking and reaching for orgasm after orgasm (or in my case multiple orgasm after multiple orgasm). Defocus on genitals. I do not mean ignore but just not let those particular body parts be the central focus of a sensual experience. I wonder if that would have the effect of heightening the other sensual experiences because instead of being an appetizer or a lead in to the main act, they are themselves the main act. If orgasm is not your goal and you know that all you will be getting from a particular moment with someone is just their touch. The smell of them. The heat of them close. The taste of them. Their lips, their neck, their back, their forehead, their calves and thighs and hamstrings and stomach and forearms and fingers. All these parts are not just warm ups, they are the point, the end, they are all you will get. If that is true does that change how you approach those moments and touches and connections? When someone hugs you hello or goodbye, or touches your thigh in conversation or holds your hand… Can all these moments combined be just profound and intense as fucking. Can you feed off these moments the same way? I know, I know, I am really rambling here. I am not quite sure I understand what I am trying to say myself. But for some reason I feel some truth somewhere in there.

When I talk about making a journey in sensuality I do not for a moment believe that there is no place for the rough and nasty and wild aspects of sex. And even aspects of BDSM fit into what I am thinking because there is this greater importance placed on the “other”, the stuff that surrounds sex and for some people in the kink world … they do not even need sex for a scene to be fulfilling. At the same time I hate it when people get superior about “sensuality” and look down on fucking and porn and anything base and graphic. Why can’t the two co-exist? Aren’t they both equally legitimate? Are we not both animal and spiritual? Sensuous and savage? ::sigh:: I seriously doubt my sanity sometimes. I can see why most of my friends are adamant that I should not take any kind of drugs ever… but then again it could be a wildly interesting experience.

All I want for Xmas

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Is the X-Box 360 and Mass Effect. I know… I know… I should be working on my writing but I am in geek-lust-mode. That means I am hungering for a good RPG and they are far and few between, let me tell ya. The last one I enjoyed was Jade Empire and it has been a long, loooong wait for Mass Effect (and still waiting!!). But I got goals and rules that go with those goals so no Mass Effect for me just yet. But what I can and will indulge in tonight for the first time in, oh, months is some good ol’ villainy on CoV.

Venus in Furs… Again

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So I just finished reading Venus in Furs (which I was compelled to quote even before I finished reading it). It goes without saying that this book does a beautiful job of exploring the desire of a man to subjugate himself to a cruel and dominant female. However, being the wierdo that I am I also found some interesting quotes that resonated with me as a practitioner of the alternative relationship lifestyle (doesn’t that sound fancy, basically my partner and I are polyamorous). A puritanical society always seems to vilify a sexually voracious woman, we are witches, succubi, heartbreakers. I have always felt that a relationship is an opportunity for growth and enjoyment and yet we want to possess our partners and lovers. As Severin says in Venus in Furs:

We would rather have a pale, sorry Holbein Virgin who belongs entirely to us than a classical Venus, no matter how divinely beautiful, if she loves Anchises today, Paris tomorrow, and Adonis the day after. And when Nature does triumph in us, when we abandon ourselves in burning passion to such a woman, her cheerful joie de vivre strikes us as demonic, as cruel, and we see our bliss as a sin that we must atone for.

I have always rebelled against conventional relationships and the idealization of female virginity (unless of course we are talking about some good cherry popping erotica). And Wanda’s response to her society’s restraints:

But you mean to say that the individual who rebels against the institutions of society is ostracized, stigmatized, stoned. Fine, I dare to try. My principles are quite pagan, I want to make the most of my existence. I can do without your hypocritical respect, I prefer happiness.

Yes! Yes! Yes! And what sane passionate woman wouldn’t? Now the story takes a few interesting turns (some that I did not expect from what I heard about it) and you will have to read it yourself to really get to know these two characters. However, the last titbit I want to share with you is from the last page when the protagonist is trying to explain to his friend the moral of his story (remember this was written in the 1800s). He says that in their current society a woman can never be man’s companion, she is his “enemy” and can only be either his “slave or his despot”:

She will be able to become his companion only when she has the same rights as he, when she is his equal in education and work.”

Now maybe I am a complete nerd but I find that thought fascinating. That a cruelly dominant woman is a product of the patriarchal society. So in fact the very society that denies women equal rights is a breeding ground for the perfectly sadistic fem domme. Hmmm…

Venus in Furs

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I heard about Venus in Furs, by Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch (yes, the term masochist was coined after his name) a while ago but I only just picked it up from the bookstore the other day, and even though I haven’t finished it yet I must say… Wow! What a marvelous venture into the mind of man obsessed with the ideal cruelly dominant woman, Venus herself… in furs no less. Some quotes to titillate you:

…and am I not entitled to be cruel? Man desires, woman is desired. That is woman’s entire but decisive advantage. Nature has put man at woman’s mercy through his passion, and woman is misguided if she fails to make him her subject, her slave, no, her toy…

We can truly love only that what stands above us, a woman who subjugates us through beauty, temperment, intellect, willpower, a woman who becomes our despot.

…and everyone knows and feels the close kinship between voluptuousness and cruelty.

Think, you man, you’re not much better than a dog, a lifeless obect. You are my thing, my toy, which I can smash to while away an hour. You are nothing, and I am everything. Do you understand?

Lucifer

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So I finally got a few moments of free time to sneak into the comic book store and get me the last two installments in the Lucifer series. I think I want to do some very very naught things to Mike Carey. Here are some of my favorite quotes from books 10 and 11:

I stared at the fruits of my labors and wondered whether anyone had ever asked the devil for his money back

We must learn not to love, soldier. I was never cruel until I loved.

They obey me because Duma does and because, in the end, obedience is what angels are best at.

Flowers grow. Rain falls. People live, and die. The entire system maintained and guaranteed by a single will. Mine. In a room in a house in Antwerp, say, or Capetown, or New York, a child wakes from sleep, crying. The tear coursing down her cheek is like a miniature world, profound and crystalline and perfect. I am lost in it.

And this, too, is a lie. All stories are lies. But good stories are lies made of light and fire.

And long and late we lie together. After a coupling which, like the perfumes, deceived expectations. Sharp under sweetness. Delicate and harsh at once.

I’m not leaving. I’m arriving. Everywhere at once. And whatever else it might be, it’s not the end. It doesn’t feel like death. Unless a rockpool dies, when a wave breaks over it. Or warm breath dies as it fades and makes its peace with air.

And last but not least, this is Lucifer talking to Dream as Lucifer closes all the gates to hell. This excerpt is actually originally in Sandman by Neil Gaiman (another man I would do naughty things to) who created the Lucifer character:

Can you imagine what it was like? Ten billion years spent providing a place for dead mortals to torture themselves? And like all masochists they called the shots. “Burn me.” “Freeze me.” “Eat me.” “Hurt me.” and we did…They talk of me going around buying souls like a fishwife come market day, never stopping to ask themselves why. I need no souls. And how can anyone own a soul? No they belong to themselves. They just hate to have to face up to it.

Mmmm…yes the things I would do to Mike Carey if I ever got my hands on him. I know, I know, I’m weird, artists who are good at what they do turn me on. And now I must go off and masturbate and then write some stories of my own.